Love Despite Difference: A Movie

All couples have differences. 

Some couples have “formal” differences - perhaps you have a different religious or ethnic background than your partner, or perhaps you have different native languages. 

Some couples have “informal” differences - perhaps you are an introvert and your partner is an extrovert, or you crave excitement where they crave novelty. 

Despite how it might feel, the nature of the difference doesn’t really matter that much. All couples have differences, and the strength of a relationship can be measured not by how thoroughly those differences are hidden, but by how compassionately they are addressed. 

I work extensively with couples preparing for marriage, and the piece of advice I most consistently give folks navigating differences of any sort is to remember that everyone is the star of their own movie. 

From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I am simultaneously watching, directing and starring in a movie about me. In my movie, which is filmed from my perspective, other supporting characters show up - there is a wife character, some children characters, a brother character and so on. Sometimes, these characters say their lines perfectly, and I am pleased with them; other times, however, they screw up their lines and I get annoyed. After all, I am the director of my movie, so I know what they are supposed to be saying!

The problem is that at the exact same time that they are supporting characters in my movie, they are the director, star and sole audience member of their movie in which I am the supporting character! When I notice that the “supporting actors” in my movie are screwing up their lines in my movie, I am well served to catch a beat and remember that I am also a supporting character in their movie. 

The other people in our life are generally not crazy, stupid or pathologically disconnected from reality. They are behaving in ways that make sense inside their movie, but we can’t easily see their movie because we are watching our movie. 

As a general rule, everyone's actions make sense in the movie that is screening in their mind, even if their actions screw up the movie that is screening in our minds. This is true whether what they are doing is leaving their dishes on the sink, or insisting that a religion that had never previously seemed important to them now becomes a central part of the wedding ceremony. 

In general, curiosity and compassion will do much, much more good for our relationships than judgment and anger will. 

So, when our partners want or do things that don’t make sense to us, we can take a deep breath and bring some compassion to ourselves and our own legitimate feelings of frustration that they aren’t acting the way we want them to.

We will likely be well served by also bringing curiosity to our partners and trying to honestly and sincerely understand what is going on in their movie.  

As we build a life of navigating differences with our partner, there are few habits that will serve us better than slowing down and asking, with compassion and curiosity, “What is going on in your movie right now?” 

Watch their movie with them for a few minutes, making sure you understand the plot of their movie; after that, you can invite them to watch your movie with you.